I was thinking a sock full of old batteries might be cheaper if you buy in bulk.

It used to be serious. It still is, but it used to be, too.

Man, that “was” really got my hopes up for a minute.

How much food and what is it?

…Did we mention it doubles as a convenient dumping ground for mob snitches?

in case you want to self-host your own algae, I guess

“Eat your dice, Brennan!”

And try very hard to let the door hit you on the way out!

I suppose, to be fair, I would also probably strive to do the exact opposite of anything the Heritage Foundation told me to do.

At least they’re taking credit for something that actually happened this time, I guess.

Yeah, it’s called taking out the competition. If you wanna win a race you gotta know where to throw the banana peels.

Counteroffer: We’ll take Nunavut in exchange for Texas, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida.

One, you’ll have us nearly surrounded; two, they’re far enough away that you don’t have to risk any of the pre-existing populace actually coming into your country, and three, you get a whole stretch of oceanfront property, and we don’t have to let them muck up our electoral college anymore. And all we want in exchange is a nigh-uninhabitable stretch of ice and bragging rights that we’re indisputably bigger than China, which is for some reason the only thing the incoming administration cares about anyway. If that’s not enough we’re willing to throw in a couple of the Virgin Islands.

It does seem pretty safe to assume that the ballot was signed sometime between the time it was printed and the date it was postmarked which, given the fast-paced and tumultuous nature of American politics, surely cannot be that wide of a window. And if the purpose is to somehow catch people submitting ballots after the cutoff date, surely one would expect a wouldbe election fraudster to lose no sleep in also falsifying an earlier date, making one wonder why this information is all that pertinent to begin with.

Now, a more cynical person might assume that this was just another one of those little traps specifically engineered to attract common mistakes (knowing full well that some of us are still putting the year down as “2015” because goddammit, what the hell time is it?) which can then be selectively enforced depending on whether or not you want to invalidate a large swath of votes. But I mean, surely our very trustworthy elected officials would never do such a thing…

I hear he eats televisions for breakfast. Drives around in an old pickup truck at 70 miles an hour knocking radio antennas off the side of the road with a baseball bat. You know, probably.

Also, the usual litany of opposes net neutrality, loves the bold new direction Twitter has been taking, hates any form of disinformation oversight and also apparently hates fiberoptic cables(?!) and thinks it would be great if social media stopped censoring his people and started censoring those other people already. Those ones were real.

Yeah, I mean, not really, if I’m honest.

So not only has he quite literally decimated their readerbase but he’s also made every other newspaper run the story that they were going to endorse Harris anyway, instead of likely just limiting that information to the handful of Washington Post subscribers that cared enough to check. Great quash, Jeff, you really shut that one down.

What, just now?

honestly even just saying “shaped” is a bit of a stretch

It would be very out-of-character for him to just now try to distance himself from the morally reprehensible, so I’m going to assume he simply forgot the man existed the moment he left his field of view.